


The Loudest Voices Are Never Right

by wonderofasunrise



Series: Love & Loss [12]
Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Motherhood, Single Parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:33:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28362465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderofasunrise/pseuds/wonderofasunrise
Summary: Voices battle inside Carol's head as she is getting ready to take on motherhood, and she sets out to ensure that everything is going to be fine despite her circumstances.
Series: Love & Loss [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033827
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	The Loudest Voices Are Never Right

**Author's Note:**

> It took me quite awhile to finally write a Carol-centred fic, even though Julianna Margulies was part of the primary reason why I started watching ER in the first place. I spent a long time working on this, partly because I wanted to be sure I was doing this right - Carol is, after all, one of the best characters on the show - and largely because last week was an incredibly difficult one personally as I lost someone very close to me to COVID-19. In the end, I hope I did Carol's story justice despite the circumstances.
> 
> Special thanks to, again, Zoë and Kam for their endless support and encouragement through what was undoubtedly a very, very challenging week for us all, and to the ER community on Tumblr for their love and just pure awesomeness, which has become even more evident during these times. I'm glad I joined the fandom, and there's no doubt I'm here to stay.
> 
> Featuring excerpts from "Love Love Love" by Avalanche City.

_And time would be a distant memory_ _  
__Nobody could tell us to stay_ _  
__Well, I’ve been dreaming_ _  
__Ever since I’ve seen your heaven_ _  
__When you came my way_

* * *

Carol looked at her watch as she finished packing the last few items into a small suitcase; only about fifteen more minutes until Mark was due to pick her up and bring her and the twins home. 

She let out a soft sigh at the thought of how he had been such an angel through almost the whole ordeal, especially when Kate had been born, and she had been so thankful for his presence that she had named the baby girl after his late mother. She had been powerless to say no when he had offered to take her and the girls home, knowing fully well she could do with every bit of help in her situation.

Her situation, which she had never expected to find herself in. Everything had gone so well until it did not, and all of a sudden she had been faced with the realization that she was on her own, that she would end up raising two babies all by herself.

There was still a doubt from time to time regarding her ability to do it, but every time she looked at Tess and Kate she found herself quashing all reservations. These beautiful babies were hers, and to have them in her life was such a blessing unmatched by any other. Every inch of her strength was renewed each time she looked at her daughters, and their sweet little faces always filled her with hope.

Her musing was interrupted by a little gurgle coming from one of the bassinets, so she looked up to see that Kate was now wide awake and demanding her attention. Not wanting a still-sleeping Tess to be awakened all of a sudden and get cranky, Carol moved carefully towards Kate’s bassinet and gently scooped the baby girl into her arms. Kate almost immediately quietened down, enjoying the warmth provided by her mother and snuggling her face deep into Carol’s chest.

“I know, Kate. We’re going home! Isn’t it exciting?” Carol said in her happiest voice. “But you need to contain your excitement a little, sweetheart, because Tess is still sleeping and we don’t want her to get all cranky, do we?”

As if understanding every word, Kate let out a little sound, which made Carol chuckle. She then balanced the baby in one arm, careful not to put any weight on her stitches, so that she could caress Tess with her free hand. As Carol did so, the sleeping baby moved her head slightly, though she remained deep in slumber.

Carol’s smile faded slightly as she studied Tess’s sleeping figure. She did not know if the resemblance was really there, or if she was merely picking out for her own reassurance, but she was pretty sure she saw Doug’s features in Tess’s little face. She took a quick look at Kate in her arms, and noticed that the baby was exploring her surroundings with eyes wide open. It was then that Carol felt a pang of sadness in her heart. Both of her daughters had Doug’s eyes, and she was certain in a couple of years theirs would reflect the glint of mischief his were notorious for.

She would be reminded of him every single day of her life, how he had loved and hurt her. While she tried her best to deny it, there were times where she deeply longed for his presence; if not for her, then for their beautiful daughters, who very much deserved a father. She wondered if one day she would have to explain why it was only the three of them against the world, and she already dreaded the day, though a small voice in her head kept telling her that day might never come.

Still, there were other, louder voices, the ones that never hesitated to tell her _this_ was her fate, that she was bound to raise her children on her own because Doug was gone and would never come back. These were the same voices that surfaced every time her doubt emerged, and they often lingered despite her best effort. She let out another sigh, this time heavier and reflecting her physical and mental exhaustion after the events in the last few days since Thanksgiving.

Kate, apparently able to sense her mother’s mood growing somber, started to cry, and this time the sound she made was enough to startle and wake up Tess. Carol smiled, and her arm reached out to Tess’s crib in an attempt to calm the baby. Just as she started to try to come up with a way to carefully pick up Tess with one arm, the door of her hospital room opened, revealing Abby Lockhart, the OB nurse who had helped her during labor and had been doing a great job taking care of her and the babies.

“Did I interrupt anything?” Abby asked, her eyes instantly travelling to the bassinet where Carol’s hand was softly stroking Tess’s head.

Carol shook her head. “No, not at all. It’s just this one,” she looked down at Tess, “woke up and I’m trying to find a way to pick her up while still holding the other.”

Abby entered the room and immediately made her way towards the bassinet. There, her smile grew as she watched the interaction between Carol and the babies, and once Tess calmed down a bit Abby made a carrying gesture with her arms and looked at Carol. “May I?”

Carol nodded, giving Abby the green light to pick up Tess. Once she was sure the baby did not resent being in the arms of a stranger, Abby steadied Tess in one arm while her other hand grabbed a pillow resting on Carol’s hospital bed and placed it on Carol’s lap. Then, Abby assisted Carol so that she could have one baby in each arm, with the pillow supporting their body weight while ensuring the new mother was as comfortable as possible. Now content with both of her daughters close in her embrace, Carol looked up at Abby with a very grateful smile.

“Thank you,” Carol murmured. “I will have to get used to doing this, won’t I?”

“And you’ll master it in no time. I mean, of course it’s quite tricky in the beginning, especially when you have twins. But these girls will make sure you learn fast,” Abby reassured her. “Anyway, I just wanted to check on you before you get discharged. Do you have someone to come and pick you up?”

“Yeah. I’ve packed everything and Mark—I mean, Dr Greene from the ER is coming in a few minutes to take us home. _My_ home, I mean,” Carol added quickly when she saw Abby raise an eyebrow. “It’s just me and the girls.”

“Oh,” Abby replied, and Carol silently appreciated the lack of curiosity or pity in the OB nurse’s tone. After all, in her line of work she must have seen single mothers—some in worse situations—thousands of times. Carol had had enough of unwarranted pity when people learned that the babies’ father was not in the picture, and part of her was thankful that Abby knew better than to make her feel even more sorry for herself than she already was.

“Well, by the look of things you’re all set and ready to go. Do you want me to wait with you until Dr Greene comes?” Abby offered.

“No—um, _not_ that I don’t like you here or anything, but I—I would like to be alone with my babies, if that’s possible. I know there’ll be plenty of time for that when we get home, but I just want a couple of minutes before I fight to put them in their car seat,” Carol said with a chuckle.

Abby nodded in affirmation. “No problem at all. I understand,” she said as she walked towards the partly-open door. “I’ll be around if you need anything. And congratulations again,” she continued, closing the door behind her.

Now alone with her daughters once again, Carol closed her eyes as she began immersing herself in the feeling of having them in her arms. It was still as magical as the very first time, and at times she still could not believe that this was real, that they both were here. Her pregnancy had been exhausting, to say the least, but it had been damn well worth it. Having her beautiful baby girls was worth every inch of exhaustion.

“You know, girls,” Carol sighed, “I’m not gonna lie, I was so scared when I found out about you two. I already thought about the worst, that I wouldn’t be able to do this on my own. And I would never forgive myself if that happened, because I already knew you deserve nothing but the very best.”

The babies, who had been letting out gurgles, almost immediately calmed down at the sound of their mother’s voice speaking softly.

“I can’t promise _the_ best, but what I can promise is that I will always do _my_ best, and I hope it will be good enough for us all. I wish we were in better circumstances, sweethearts, but what’s done is done and I know everything will be fine nonetheless. Because I have you here, and you will always have me. Forever.”

As if on cue, Tess and Kate were now looking at Carol intensely, and she very nearly teared up at how much their eyes looked like Doug’s. However, she did her best to keep it together, both because it was important for her sake and her daughters’, and because there was no use pining over a man who deserted her anymore. Tess and Kate were her priorities now, and she had to be brave enough for both of them. She knew she _would_ be brave enough for them, and for herself too.

She continued speaking to the babies, who seemed to be content and comforted in their position. All the while, her conviction that she could do this, that she could be brave and strong enough for her daughters and herself grew stronger. The little voice in her head, the one that always tried to assure her that everything was going to be fine, grew stronger with each word she said to Tess and Kate, and soon enough it began quashing the louder, more pessimistic voices that always seemed to bring her down from time to time.

 _But not this time,_ Carol told herself. _Never again._

She pulled the babies even closer into her embrace, and began whispering _I love you_ ’s repeatedly into their little ears, wanting to reassure them—as much as herself—that while the road ahead would be rocky, they would always make it through. She would lead her little family through whatever life threw at them to the best of her ability, and each time any doubt sparked there would always be something that muffled it.

After all, she had proven the loud voices wrong, and she would always be ready to do it all over again should the need arise.

* * *

 _And all the life to go is in my mind_  
 _Cause all the loudest voices in the world_ _  
Are never right_


End file.
